Dreams

I keep having...not a reoccurring dream but a dream with my best friend (who passed away in 2003 from ovarian cancer) as the main character.

It is very unsettling and throws me into the pit of depression.

It resurrects the pain of losing her as if it happened yesterday.  My chest hurts, my head hurts, I want to cry, scream and basically throw a temper tantrum.

In every dream I've had (the dreams started about 6 months after she passed away), I know that she's supposed to be dead. 

The first dream was her "coming back to life"....She showed up one day and said that they had made a mistake and she wasn't dead and wanted to know why we let her lay in that grave for so long?  She was very standoffish, quiet and didn't really want to be around anyone.

Every dream after that first one, I am more and more "aware" that something is wrong with her, but I can't convince anyone else in my dream that something was wrong with Cindy.

This last dream, has really gotten to me.  I talked with my boss a little about it and she actually did a paper on dream interpretation so she was somewhat helpful.  She said that the dream is a reflection of me.  That Cindy has left a void in my life/heart and I am looking to fill that void.  She also said that I know that no one will be able to fill the void left by the loss of Cindy and that is why I dream that she is so standoffish and distant She said that is why I am so uncomfortable and trying to convince others that there is something wrong with Cindy.

This made a lot of sense to me.  It doesn't stop the grief I am having, but it helps me wrap my head around the reasoning of the dreams.

I miss Cindy Lynn Jackson Barnhill with every fiber of my being.

It hurts.