This too shall pass

So, I've not been sleeping very well.

Lots of worries going on.

I am good at pretending I'm not bothered when in fact, I am worried to death.

So here's the list of current worries, maybe if I put them down in writing, I can "Let go, Let God" and trust Him to take care of things.

I am worried about JC.  The motor in his truck is blown, he is taking too many college hours (18) and not getting very good grades, he needs to get a job, he wants me to co-sign for an apartment and I really don't think it's a good idea.

Jules is, well, Jules.  I don't think I will ever not worry about him.  He's working, he's getting his legal issues resolved, he's actually doing pretty good right now...that's what worries me.  Stupid, huh?

I worry about Jackie.  I know that her joining the Mormon church should be a good thing, I am continually trying to stay open minded about it, but it still bothers me, a lot.  It makes me wish I had never allowed her to go to church with Whitney as a child.  I didn't know any better back then, I didn't really know much about the Mormon faith.  I am grateful she has God in her heart, this is what gives me faith and keeps my mind open....maybe not wide open, but it's open...

Rob is spiraling down a path of obsession with his workers' comp case that was denied.  He is wanting to fly to Houston so a Surgeon he's never met, yet diagnosed him via video and phone conversations, perform a surgery that may or may not help his shoulder, because he thinks that in doing this, he will have "proof" that all the doctors he's seen here has lied and he can sue them.  I have absolutely no idea how to handle this.

So there you go, the top 4 reasons I don't sleep well, I smoke a couple cigarettes a day and have developed a taste for whipped cream vodka and cinnamon whiskey.

As my mother says, this too shall pass.

Dreams

I keep having...not a reoccurring dream but a dream with my best friend (who passed away in 2003 from ovarian cancer) as the main character.

It is very unsettling and throws me into the pit of depression.

It resurrects the pain of losing her as if it happened yesterday.  My chest hurts, my head hurts, I want to cry, scream and basically throw a temper tantrum.

In every dream I've had (the dreams started about 6 months after she passed away), I know that she's supposed to be dead. 

The first dream was her "coming back to life"....She showed up one day and said that they had made a mistake and she wasn't dead and wanted to know why we let her lay in that grave for so long?  She was very standoffish, quiet and didn't really want to be around anyone.

Every dream after that first one, I am more and more "aware" that something is wrong with her, but I can't convince anyone else in my dream that something was wrong with Cindy.

This last dream, has really gotten to me.  I talked with my boss a little about it and she actually did a paper on dream interpretation so she was somewhat helpful.  She said that the dream is a reflection of me.  That Cindy has left a void in my life/heart and I am looking to fill that void.  She also said that I know that no one will be able to fill the void left by the loss of Cindy and that is why I dream that she is so standoffish and distant She said that is why I am so uncomfortable and trying to convince others that there is something wrong with Cindy.

This made a lot of sense to me.  It doesn't stop the grief I am having, but it helps me wrap my head around the reasoning of the dreams.

I miss Cindy Lynn Jackson Barnhill with every fiber of my being.

It hurts.

AMERICA NEEDS A LESSON

I need to put this down in writing.

It is something that has been really weighing heavily on my mind.

I keep seeing posts on all social media sites concerning guns, gay marriage rights and abortion.  Most are about how guns don't kill people, people kill people and people should be allowed to have guns.

I agree that people kill people.  I don't agree that people should be allowed to own guns.

The human race is the only species that kills for sport.  Whether it is killing animals or a truly sick individual killing people.

This is wrong.  I don't care how you try to justify it, it is wrong to kill.  Wrong to kill fellow humans or animals.

I have heard several "tea party" members argue that the government needs to take a backseat in this country and let the 'people' control the country.  The problem with this is that the "people" chose to create a government to control the country and mandate laws with the people's interest at heart, way back when this country was founded.

So far, it's been working pretty well. There are definitely flaws in the system, but as a "people" elected government, we have no one to blame for these flaws except ourselves.

I am so sick of hearing the extreme right-wingers argue that "abortion" is wrong and how it should be outlawed in ALL CASES.  Yet, these same idiots believe that corporal punishment is OK. They say that gays should not have the right to marry because it's against the bible.

I don't know a lot about the bible but I am absolutely positive about this.  NO WHERE DOES THE BIBLE STATE: "THOU SHALT NOT KILL EXCEPT FOR..." or "THOU SHALT PASS JUDGEMENT BY GOD'S WORD"

I am positive that God sent Jesus to earth (and so began the NEW TESTAMENT) to teach the people that their way was wrong, "an eye for an eye" concept was WRONG. He preached that "HE WHO HAS NOT SINNED MAY CAST THE FIRST STONE."  He preached over and over that LOVE is the only way and that the ONLY JUDGE WOULD BE GOD.  No one has the power to judge someone else EXCEPT GOD.

I saw a saying on Pinterest that said it PERFECT:

"The bible is not a bag of trail mix, you can't just pick out the parts you like and not pay attention to the rest."

I really wish that FOX NEWS AND ALL THEIR CRAZIES would stop the ranting long enough to actually READ THE BIBLE, THE ENTIRE BIBLE and learn that we, as God's children are solely put on this earth to LOVE and SERVE GOD FIRST AND THEN EACH OTHER NO MATTER WHAT!

Winter Blues

I have a severe case of the "winter blues".

I relapsed on the 'not smoking' and had to go off my Celexa so I could resume taking Chantix.

Apparently, Celexa had been masking my utter dislike of the north and all it's wintery weather.

I have resumed my Celexa.  It's for the best. My family is grateful.

Rob only has one more month to fulfill his 3 years he committed to when we transfered to the Great White North.

I want to move south so bad I can taste it.  Even if it's only as far as Bowling Green, KY or as far as Arlington, TX.  I. Just. Want. Out. Of. The. North.

I do not want Youngstown, OH to be the place I grow old in.

We have to get the house updated before we can even consider putting it up for sale. 

If and when we buy another, updating will NOT be something that will need done.

We began painting the downstairs.  The colors I chose did not go on as I had envisioned.

We had a 'Mexican Restaurant' color scheme going on.  Not what I wanted.

Rob and I went and bought new paint, new colors.  It's looking much better.

I'll post pictures, maybe, probably not. Picture taking is my daughter's thing not so much mine.

Sure hope the Celexa kicks in soon.

2013

It's the beginning of January and much has happened since my last post.

My daughter bought a house! Rob and I went to Dayton and helped her move in.

J.C. came home for three weeks at Christmas and it was....better than I expected but not as good as I always convince myself it will be.

My mom is having her lap band removed and getting the "sleeve" done on the 22nd.

Jackie has to have another knee surgery.

Rob and I had a MAJOR blow up over finances and he FINALLY has opened his own account and is paying his OWN bills so I can not be blamed for him over-spending :)

Jules is still working (he started at Things Remembered warehouse in October) and I couldn't be happier or more proud of him sticking with it and to have not been laid off after the holidays like a lot of the others he worked with.

I have come to the decision that I will embrace the house we live in (even though I do not like the stairs) and put some serious effort into updating inside and out.

Time....

It's been a while since I last posted.

Lots of things have happened.

Some small, some mind-blowing.

Mostly, all good things.

Mind-blowing: My daughter confided in me that she is seeing a 61yo black man.

I'm ok with everything except how old he is.  It's hard for me to wrap my head around. I know she's 30yo but my mother instinct is that he is a predator of young women.   I'm sure he's not, and I'm positive that my daughter is a better judge of character than that, but still....

My youngest son has moved to college and is doing fantastic. I really couldn't be more proud of him.  I am, however, holding back a grief so large that it literally makes my heart hurt when I think of how he will never be as close to me as we were when we lived in Louisiana. It breaks my heart.

My oldest son is still living at home, no job, no ambition, but with a heart as large as Texas and I fear he will never get out on his own and yet I secretly embrace him being with me.  It's very confusing and very hard to feel he needs to be kicked to the curb so he will learn responsibility and yet want nothing more than for him to stay with me forever.

My mom has finally adjusted to living with us and we are really happy.  The first year had some rough patches but we love each other too much to allow anything to get in the way.

My husband and I are in a great place..we are getting along better than we ever have and I believe we both have finally grown and compromised and fallen in love all over again these past two years.  He is my world.

Babies

My baby boy is graduating high school on Saturday.

Where in the world has the time gone?

Why did I not get more pictures?

Why can't I turn back time and get just one more "feel good hug" from a 4 year old JC?

I am so incredibly proud of him.

He has turned into a one-of-a-kind-generous-kind-hearted-level-headed-responsible man.

I really can't ask for more.

But I always do.

If I could wish for one thing, it would be to have him back with me.

I miss him so much at times, it physically hurts.

 He is destined for great things.

And I am proud to be his mom.